Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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