if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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