shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize