grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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