Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
