it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
