I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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