Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
