So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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