So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
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They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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