my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
