Nicole vs. Life
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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