I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
