Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
