How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
is that a dick in a sweater?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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