I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
