Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
