My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
