Just cropdusted the office
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
