I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
