I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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