You just made me feel so damn special
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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