The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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