so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
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Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.