I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.