WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow