I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
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so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
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He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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