oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
