R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
