Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
