i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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