the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
