Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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