I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
