sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How's work?
Spinning.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
