i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
