Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
