hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
