After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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