Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
