we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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