My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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