the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
