If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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