I am puke
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
