he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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