I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
