Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I didn't shave. On purpose
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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