the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Help. Why am I so naked?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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