Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
