I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
