sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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