life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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