seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
