I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
