I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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