My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
