I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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