took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
