but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
