Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
