yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
